He waited in the darkness. It was warm and safe and felt like home. It felt like belonging, even though he had no concept of what any of those things were. It was all about how things felt right now and this was all that he had ever known. He wasn’t even really defined as ‘he’ yet, the societal construct of gender awaited his arrival.

In a moment, everything changed. The light came rushing in and new senses awoke. Soft, muted voices became loud. There were smells, though he knew not what they were. Blurred shapes shifted in front of his eyes and he longed for the security that was all that he had ever known. When he was hungry, he cried and when he was cold, he cried. He cried when he was tired or when he needed changing. It was the only communication tool that he possessed.

He began to grow and learn. He learned that he could smile and laugh. He learned that he would cry when in pain. He began to recognise the people around him and tiny thoughts began to form in his head. Thoughts and feelings that sometimes felt enormous and overwhelming. He was learning all the time, even when he was asleep the subconscious part of his mind was processing information and occasionally things would break free from the constraints of his thought processes and they would loom over him, terrifying feelings that he did not understand. And he would cry because he was afraid.

And they would say ‘he used to be a lovely boy’. Back when he slept through the night and when he laughed when someone would boop him on the nose. Or when he took his first steps and fell onto his bottom, his parents laughing at the absurdity and the miracle of life and the progression of time.

Time progressed and he discovered so many things. He found out that there are things in this world that can hurt and that some things are worth fighting for. He learned that you can trust some people, while others you should never trust. And he also learned that just because some people are in your corner, it doesn’t mean that they are warriors for you and that it was ok for that to be the way of things, Some lessons were tough and he found that people were difficult to understand. That he was difficult to understand. And people would say ‘he used to be a lovely boy,. Back when he did as he was told and followed the rules that no-one tells you about. When he smiled at the people making fun of him and watched the people that he loved being hurt and did nothing.

As the boy became a man, his thoughts developed into something more and he thought, for a time, that he understood people. That he understood himself. He fell in love and soon learned that sometimes loving someone is not all that it seems to be, just as much as being loved is not always straightforward. He discovered that others were jealous of his love, that they resented it and did all within their power to destroy it, He also found that sometimes, those who professed to love him would also make mistakes, that they would hurt him. Sometimes they were sorry and sometimes they were not. After being hurt a lot, he realised that he was capable of hurting people too, not always on purpose and sometimes because the only choices available to us are bad ones, but you still have to choose. And people would say ‘he used to be a lovely boy’. When he believed everything that he was told, oblivious to doubt and suspicion. When he was untroubled by jealousy and the complications of adulthood.

After heartbreak and despair, triumph and tragedy, the man learned about loss and death. He found that there are no emotions quite as painful as grief and it took a long time for his heart to recover. He worried more and trusted less for quite some time. He questioned the wisdom that had been bestowed upon him, indeed he questioned everything. Faith, existence, the meaning of life, the meaning of death. And he learned that sometimes it is hard to be loved when you really need it the most. He realised once more that people are fallible and inconsistent, when consistency was what he craved the most. He believed that he was cursed, that he was due to live a life of sadness and uncertainty. And people would say ‘he used to be a lovely boy’. When he had a smile that reached his eyes and a beautiful innocence. When he wasn’t haunted by the ghosts of days gone by and days that had never been.

The man stood alone for a little time. He searched among the wreckage of his world for meaning, for hope. He tried to heal himself by looking for love again, believing it to be the most powerful antidote to the pain that he was feeling. He became a father, keen to be a better man and to lead by example. Being a father was something that he adored, something, at times, that he even thought he might be good at. But being a father was also difficult, a path filled with signs that read ‘Here be monsters’ and traps to deceive the unwary. With two daughters and a son, his days were often filled with joy, but self-doubt and circumstance threw challenges in his direction. In the direction of his children. The opinions of others and some might say human nature decreed that criticism would be rife and beliefs should be tested. He would often have to defend his children, to teach them the lessons that he had learned and when he did people would say ‘he used to be a lovely boy’. Before he became confrontational and defensive and not a little paranoid. Back when he would do as he was told and not ask questions. Back when he was quiet and kept his thoughts to himself.

And the man stood tall and stared at those people. He said ‘I was always a lovely boy, but you were all too busy trying to shape me to notice. You were all too busy trying to tell me who or what I should be to see the real person before you. I have fought monsters and I have won. I have stood my ground when it would have been easier to run away. I have owned my mistakes and sometimes they have owned me. I have been brave when afraid and I have accepted that I have been wrong. I have changed when I have needed to because I am not afraid to be wrong and I am not afraid to learn. I am not here to be shaped as you wish, I am not here to be what you want me to be. I am here to be me. I am here to become a better man, to love my family ferociously and protect them until my dying breath. I will not back away from confrontation and I will not sacrifice my principles because some things are worth believing in and some things are worth fighting for. If I make a stand, that’s who I am…and if where I stand is where I fall, so be it. I will love you and I will fight for you but please don’t mistake kindness for weakness. We may all fall short of each other’s hopes and expectations and we should be free to do so, if we learn. But I have seen too much and known too much pain to not stand up for what I believe in. I believe that we are free to be who we want to be. I believe that we should do what is right, not what is easy. And I believe that love is the answer, whatever the question.’

And they said ‘he used to be a lovely boy’. But never when he could hear them.