About me
Just a Few Things That I Ain’t – An Introduction
‘People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect,’ said David Tennant’s Doctor Who in the episode Blink. ‘But actually,’ he continues, ‘from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey…stuff.’
I could probably have chosen one from any number of quotes or song lyrics to open with and most of them would probably have been appropriate. I love beginnings. They can be tricky beasts but they are exciting and fresh and full of hope. Endings are much harder and in truth, I try to avoid them whenever possible because they often hurt. I rarely know what to say at the start (which is often what makes it the exciting bit) and I always have too much to say at the end, but I’ll let you be the judge of that and hopefully you’ll find the beginnings, the middles and the ends entertaining, enlightening, amusing and inevitably, a little bit sad. I used to think that sadness was all that I was entitled to, but I’m very pleased to say that’s not the case these days. Mostly.
Who am I? (Not a direct quote from the 1996 Doctor Who TV Movie starring Paul McGann – apologies here and now if you’re not particularly enamoured of the following: the aforementioned fictional Time Lord, cricket, Plymouth Argyle and football in general, the fabulous sitcom Bottom, horror stories, the songs of Paul Heaton and various other singer/songwriters/performers scattered liberally within these pages). More often than not, I’m nobody important, but occasionally, when the stars align, I am something to somebody and sometimes I think that’s the best that I can hope for. I can already hear at least five dissenting voices and I’ll take that as a fifty-two-year-old father of three who is socially awkward and laden down with enough emotional baggage to fill the hold of Concorde. Perhaps ‘Who have I been?’ would be a more apposite question.
Well, in approximate linear terms, as a progression of cause to effect, I’ve been a lonely and battered child, a victim of abuse. I’ve been an average footballer, a failed student with a propensity for inadvertently finding trouble, a comedian (briefly), a private detective (even more briefly), a songwriter, a lover and a broken-hearted fool. I’ve been a shop boy, a bastard, homeless and a broken-hearted fool again. I’ve been an arsehole, a husband, braver than I’ve ever had to be, a gullible, broken-hearted fool, suicidal, a shop manager, an average cricketer, even braver than the time before when I was braver than I’ve ever had to be, an inexperienced father and a husband again. I’ve been a mobile phone salesman, a slightly more experienced father, a slightly less average cricketer, a father for the third time, a wedding photographer, a cricket coach, an argumentative and opinionated cricket coach, broken-hearted once again, a reluctant hero, a complicated, prickly so-and-so and a writer. And in the words of the lyrical genius that is Paul Heaton, ‘I’ve been bad man, sad man, certified mad but never 007 or Saint. Trendsetter, go-getter, international jet-setter, just a few things that I ain’t.’ I’ve probably missed a few out, certainly the broken-hearted parts, but for an ordinary person in an ordinary world, that feels like quite a lot. I wonder what’s left. Hopefully a bit less of the broken-hearted and a few new experiences to add to that list. Success of some sort would be nice too, but I often think that’s for others to measure. Ultimately, I would like to leave a positive footprint on this Earth before I disappear on my awfully big adventure.
Having my own website inevitably prompts the question ‘why’? Why is an ordinary bloke telling the world about his ordinary life? Well, in all honesty, I’m not sure that it has been ordinary. The blog was going to be a book, but I felt that this was a better way of sharing my story. I'm fortunate enough to have written two books and am currently working on two more. Look at all of those things I’ve been, flick through these pages and draw your own conclusions. Of course, I’m not going to publish everything all at once, where’s the fun in that? Besides, I’ve always loved a good cliffhanger!
So, instead, I’ll be adding frequent updates. There are plenty of stories and reminisces already written and I’ve got a lot of ground to cover. Also, it’s only fair to warn any readers that there will be times when my blog is not for the faint-hearted and I will try to give warnings where possible. It might be a tough read but it’s been even tougher living it and it’s only recently that I’ve accepted that I’m what’s commonly known today as a survivor. It will become obvious why.
For some reason, I’m one of those people who things happen to. And all I’ve ever wanted is ‘a life more ordinary’. However, I long ago concluded that I’m not meant to have that, no matter how much I pine for it. I’m too opinionated, I’m too scarred by my past and I’m too bloody-minded not to stand up for what I believe in. I know I’m not perfect (Was it Something I Said – Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark), but I never strove for perfection, just to be the best version of myself that I could be. There have been times when I’ve been anything but that and I think I’m still trying to find out who that is, but I’m closer to it now than I have ever been. Sometimes I’ve had to be someone I’m not and sometimes I’ve had to be someone I didn’t want to be, but we all wear different hats from time to time; some fit well and suit us. Others don’t.
If there’s something that you like, feel free to comment. If you have questions, feel free to ask. Regarding my blog, I’ve tried to be fair in my recollections, even when it’s perhaps not warranted and more than that, I have always tried to understand why some people did the things that they did. Some of those people are no longer with us but they are fondly remembered despite the bad times. Inevitably, it’s only one side of my story and I’m sure that other versions are available. But not here.
One other thing. I don’t generally like photos of myself. It’s taken a bit of courage to include a recent one here, albeit with one of our many animals! Yes, my beard really is that grey and I’m afraid I really do have that many chins, but I’m trying to work on it.
So, this is me. And in the words of Paul Heaton once again:
‘This is my life and this is how it reads’ (My Book – The Beautiful South).
Stand Against The Dark Q&A
Where did the original idea for Stand Against the Dark come from?
I think that the original idea probably spawned back when I was a child living in the village of Ideford. It was such an isolated setting that it seemed perfect for an 'under siege' story! It's also worth bearing in mind that I'd been watching horror since the age of seven, when Stephen King's Salem's Lot first aired in the UK!The story itself went through many different versions as I was growing up, but I was never completely happy with where it was heading, so I just let it 'sit' for a while. Well, quite a long while, actually, but once I had a more complete idea in my head I was able to start putting some flesh to the bones of the book itself. The characters all came quite a bit later, but the story was always going to take place in Ideford (which of course became Ivyford once I realised that I needed a few more locations for certain scenes).
Are any of the events inspired by your own personal experiences?
As with much of my writing, a lot of it is based on personal experiences. Obviously, having lived in the village where the story is set it was bound to influence my perspective of events. Some of the descriptions, such as Kevin Anderson's room when he was a teenager, contain elements from my own childhood and the cricket match is undoubtedly shaped by my own experiences as an amateur cricketer. There are probably aspects of certain characters that are imbued with personality traits of people who I know as well. Inspiration is all around us (as Wet Wet Wet never sang, making their 1994 hit all the poorer) and I'll often grab an idea from my everyday life or part of a conversation and see if there is any mileage in adding elements of it to whatever I'm currently working on. I've also lived one of those lives where something is always going on, so it's entirely possible that much of what makes it to the final version of a story is heavily influenced by my own journey.
Which character do you identify most with?
Hmm, tricky question. Is it too much of a cop out to say that I identify with all of them? I think I'd find it impossible to write for a character who I didn't understand or at least have an idea of what motivates them, which probably sounds quite worrying given the deeds that some of my characters commit. The thing is, whenever I go out anywhere, I'm always watching or listening to what is going on around me, even when it appears that I'm not. If I go out to dinner, I'll always sit facing as many people as possible, which I'm reliably informed is quite a common response to trauma! In many social situations I will always be scanning for any potential 'threat' and trying to anticipate any issues.
If I had to pin down one character from Stand Against the Dark that I identify with most though...nope, still can't do it! Who am I most like? Possibly Kevin or Danny, I've certainly got a gob on me and often think in Danny's speech patterns. I guess that he's verbalising my own stream of consciousness around the actual events taking place. I feel a lot of sympathy towards Jenny, Danny's mum, and I expect that much of what she feels in those early chapters stems from my own feelings of abandonment or insecurity from my own childhood,
What was the hardest scene to write?
I'm not sure whether this will be a surprising answer or not (and I don't want to give too much away), but it was probably the scene where Danny and Rachel spend the night together for the first time. At the time, I was still involved coaching cricket and although a lot of thoughts about the problems of writing such a scene probably only existed in my head, there was still an element of worry where I thought that people might think I was a colossal pervert, writing about two teenagers having sex and that they wouldn't want me coaching their children if they read it! I was also acutely aware of the need to tread carefully around that particular scene, to try and do it justice for the characters without making it seem smutty or cheap. It's not only a huge moment in their relationship but a massive moment for Danny in all of his neurodivergent glory! When I look back on it now and compare it to certain scenes in Time And Time Again, I wonder what I was worried about!
Are there any secret messages or hidden jokes in the book?
So, so many. Even with the chapter titles, which are a tribute to my musical muse, Paul Heaton. I certainly don't think that I could list them all! The flashback scene to Jenny and Kevin's wedding in Chapter Seven (The Ring From Your Hand), was heavily influenced by memories of my time spent as a wedding photographer, where often people tend to forget that you're there (which I was always absolutely fine with!) and you'll often end up hearing of even seeing things that you perhaps shouldn't have. Most of the hidden jokes are probably easier to spot for those who really know me, phrases, quotes from shows or books, that sort of thing. But yes, to say that the pages are littered with little asides of nods to various things would not be an understatement.
What themes does the book explore and how did those themes develop from the first draft to the final version?
I suppose that it mostly explores loss and loneliness and I'm not sure that it changed that much from beginning to end. For me, personally, I'm all about the emotions and the feelings and they can often be portrayed in quite a raw manner in my writing because I don't ever want to lessen the impact that certain moments can have on our lives. Having said that, I think that the book also explores the need for hope, which to my mind is the most important emotion of all. Even if that hope is false it's about what it means to each individual character. Take Arthur and Louisa's story for example. Arthur carries his loss and pain for a lifetime but finds his hope in Danny and his family and friends. He comes to life for just a few days, just because he has found that hope and a reason to live again. It's all about what it means to him and to Danny. It's an unlikely friendship that they share, albeit brief, and because of that I think it hits harder when things take a turn for the worse.
I'll often start a scene with just an emotion in mind, considering its impact and what it feels like and then look at how I can make it work within a story. Anything that resonates with me as a reader or a viewer is entirely down to the portrayal of emotions.
What do you wish you knew before writing the book?
I wish I knew how difficult writing the third book would be! And I wish that I'd paid more attention to backing up files, given the recent loss of my computer (and everything on it- July/August 2026). I'd probably also wish that I knew how difficult self-promotion would be for someone with a chronic lack of self-confidence and an overactive social brain!